Retirement Richness: Nourishing Relationships

Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

When people think about retirement, they often struggle to think about what activities they will do to fill their days.  Some take up golf.  Others start biking.  Others work for the local food bank.  Retired teachers go back and teach a single class, and retired nurses volunteer for essential posts at the local hospital.   

I have a suggestion about another way to think about retirement and a rewarding focus for this special opportunistic time in life. 

Relationships are key to our happiness, and during our working years, we often fail to nourish them due to time constraints or career responsibilities.  In retirement, however, people have more time and can be more flexible with it.  I suggest spending some of that time to renew old relationships and build fulfilling new ones. 

One of the most gratifying sources of happiness is a positive relationship with a significant other.  When I retired, my husband had already been retired for a few years and he was just waiting in the wings to spend more time with me.  After a few weeks, we settled into a flexible routine for our retirement days.  We both have individual activities, but we consciously set aside several times during our day to spend with each other.  For example, on most days, we eat lunch together.  We sit down at our dining room table with a bowl of homemade soup or some takeout from a local restaurant and we share 45 minutes feeling grateful for each other and for the wonderful food and food providers in our lives.  Before we start eating, we even express our gratification to make it formal.

Another way we spend time together each day is by sitting down to talk at 4 p.m. until we eat dinner at 6.  Part of that time, we may sit outside if the weather is fine or make dinner in the kitchen.  We talk about foods we love, friends we talked with during the day, and what is happening in our extended family.  What makes this time so special is that we are both committed to being present with each other.

If you have been blessed with grandchildren by the time you retire, you can spend more time with them to enrich not only their lives, but also your own.  One retired couple that I know visit their grandchildren three afternoons a week after school to help them with their homework or to play games.  They interact with their grandchildren before the parents come home from work and they don’t stay for dinner.  They are not babysitting since the children’s nanny is there too.  The focus is on developing meaningful and loving relationships.

Retirement is also a wonderful time to spend more time with your own children.  By this time, they will be busy in their own careers, but retirement gives you the flexibility to meet them during times when they’re available and to participate in the development of their lives.  For example, one morning at 9:00 a.m., I helped my daughter practice for a future interview for a new job using Google Meetups.  Throughout the day, I play chess with my son using an app on my computer.  When they are free, we go for walks together.  I babysit my daughter’s dog while she gets her hair cut which keeps me in tune with her interests.  The key is to participate in their lives so they have time for you and feel comfortable sharing their life with you.

Perhaps you have retired and your parents are still living out the twilights of their lives.  Retirement gives you extra time to spend with them, too.  One person I know cuts his mother’s lawn every two weeks.  A woman whose mother lives in an assisted living facility visits her once a week to play games, help her with her tax return, make crafts, or eat a meal together.  I know from personal experience that this late-in-life time with a parent can prove to be the most cherished of all.

One extremely rewarding opportunity in retirement is renewing the relationships with siblings.  I come from a large family and have nine siblings.  Recently, my siblings and I have started keeping group chats going throughout each day.  We discuss family history, our goals, our exercise activity, problems. And more. I recently helped one of my brothers write his will and apply for retirement.  I helped another brother buy cremation services, and I got help from one of my sisters to plan a memorial service for someone.  This renewal of our relationships takes me back to the carefree days of my childhood when we played in the backyard until dark.  Only now, we are seasoned and more diverse in our experiences which makes our conversations so much more interesting.

Even relationships with extended family can blossom into beautiful connections.  As soon as I retired, one of my nephews asked me to read the novel he was writing and provide him with feedback.  I jumped at the chance and carved out a space in my schedule to achieve this.  From our connection, we have become much closer, I have helped him form a writer’s network, and we converse all the time. 

One of my mother’s sisters is a prolific letter writer, so I’ve decided to write her letters back and enjoy hers, too. Sometimes, instead of writing letters, I send her a short story that I’ve written about my mother or some other family member. She loves the connection, and writing letters helps me slow down and enjoy my connection with her, and through her, with my late mother.

When I was teaching English at a community college, I rarely had time to meet with my girlfriends, and, now that the pandemic has curbed my activity as well, I’m still not seeing them enough, yet I still am refreshing my friendships with my treasured women friends in a variety of ways.  One friend and I share our blog postings with each other, providing support and inspiration.  With another friend, I share new recipes, wine ideas, and plans for future travel.  Another friend and I go for socially-distanced walks and enjoy our spiritual connection with nature all around us. 

I’ve noticed that my husband works hard at nourishing his guy friendships as well.  He plays golf about once a week, not for the purpose of playing a great game, but for the opportunity to spend time with three of his favorite buddies.  They talk about travel, the news, sports, and their family lives.  One of his childhood friends keeps him in contact with friends from grade school, high school, and college.  They share pictures of their former sports’ teams and provide financial support for old friends who fall upon hard times.  On golf days, he comes home rested and happy, and, with his old friends, he and I share lots of laughter.

In retirement, our lives take on a new perspective.  We aren’t teachers, managers, salespersons, congressmen and women, cashiers, hairdressers, or waiters anymore, but the summation of those deep and diverse experiences that our careers have created; we, then, also may wish to develop new friends to accompany us in our new pursuits.

A few years ago, I joined a chorus comprised of mostly retired singers.  I only sang with them for three and a half years, but when I quit the chorus, I didn’t quit those cherished friendships.  Now, I attend their concerts as a listener instead of a performer.  I support their individual singing events, and I’ve made even more friends through my association with them.  I share their joys, witness their talents, and happily rejoice in their accomplishments.  And through all of these musical experiences, I nourish my own love of music.

Retirement is a new beginning—a time to rediscover the people who make us bigger than ourselves, better with company, and happier with connection. 

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